So last night, I was bored and somehow got myself into a very serious conversation with my mom. About university.

First, let me get this straight. One, for university/college I wanted to go to the US because Canada gets boring after a while. Two, my mother insists that I go to university instead of college. Three, I'm typing a lot slower because my index finger hurts. o-x

My mother has planned out my choices for university. The University of Toronto or York. Already, that made me kind of go, "Ugh." Not that I have anything against U of T or York. U of T is a pretty prestigious university as far as I know and York is just pretty famous. But I didn't think my choices were that limited. I wanted to go somewhere further like New York or something.

But when I asked "What about Waterloo?" as a joke, she rejected it. "Nooo, too far. I can't afford it." Waterloo is just outside Toronto. xD If she won't let me go there, what are the chances of letting me go to the US? Of course, that's where scholarships come into play, but I don't think I'm smart enough to get those.

Which brings me to the next topic.

From what I here, the University of Toronto is pretty damn hard to get into. And I'm.. pretty dumb. My grades are only decent and I'm laaazy. The good thing, I guess, is that both things are changeable. But the way my mom raved on about how happy she would be if I made it into U of T, you would have thought I already did.

But it also got me thinking. What if I didn't make it? Personally, I guess I would be upset enough, for the time I wasted and just in general the feeling of failure. But the biggest part is knowing that I let my mother down. She's told me many times over about how she sacrificed her teaching career for us and how we should work hard to not let her hard work go down the drain. All that pressure... She had already given me an incentive. xD She'll buy me the best laptop in the store. That's pretty tempting already.

I've been reminded constantly by my family about how I have to work hard to fulfil my mother's dreams and whatnot. I know they mean well, and I do take into account what they have to say, but every time I'm lectured about it, I just feel this kind of pressure and fear. Fear of failure. To the point when it no longer matters to my own self that I fail, but that if I fail, I would have wasted my mother's sacrifice.

Not to mention how she talked about how crucial these high school years are. Apparently, it'll determine whether I eat rice or congee in the future. That's exactly what she said. It's a really "Asian" sounding analogy, but it works. If I eat rice, I'm rich. If I eat congee, I'm poor. Which works. If I fail in high school, I will fail in secondary school, which means I'll fail to find a good career. How pleasant.

Wooow, I'm really scared now. If I fail, I'm basically dead.

I'm sounding really pessimistic. It could be worse. I could be a naked hobo sitting on the corner of Bloor and Bathurst. I could be a helpless alcoholic, having sex for a beer. I could be stranded in the middle of the Gobi Desert on the verge of dying from dehydration. Yep, it could be a lot worse.

xD I'm pretty morbid for a thirteen year old girl. Lighten up, Helen. Why so serious?