So last night, I was bored and somehow got myself into a very serious conversation with my mom. About university.

First, let me get this straight. One, for university/college I wanted to go to the US because Canada gets boring after a while. Two, my mother insists that I go to university instead of college. Three, I'm typing a lot slower because my index finger hurts. o-x

My mother has planned out my choices for university. The University of Toronto or York. Already, that made me kind of go, "Ugh." Not that I have anything against U of T or York. U of T is a pretty prestigious university as far as I know and York is just pretty famous. But I didn't think my choices were that limited. I wanted to go somewhere further like New York or something.

But when I asked "What about Waterloo?" as a joke, she rejected it. "Nooo, too far. I can't afford it." Waterloo is just outside Toronto. xD If she won't let me go there, what are the chances of letting me go to the US? Of course, that's where scholarships come into play, but I don't think I'm smart enough to get those.

Which brings me to the next topic.

From what I here, the University of Toronto is pretty damn hard to get into. And I'm.. pretty dumb. My grades are only decent and I'm laaazy. The good thing, I guess, is that both things are changeable. But the way my mom raved on about how happy she would be if I made it into U of T, you would have thought I already did.

But it also got me thinking. What if I didn't make it? Personally, I guess I would be upset enough, for the time I wasted and just in general the feeling of failure. But the biggest part is knowing that I let my mother down. She's told me many times over about how she sacrificed her teaching career for us and how we should work hard to not let her hard work go down the drain. All that pressure... She had already given me an incentive. xD She'll buy me the best laptop in the store. That's pretty tempting already.

I've been reminded constantly by my family about how I have to work hard to fulfil my mother's dreams and whatnot. I know they mean well, and I do take into account what they have to say, but every time I'm lectured about it, I just feel this kind of pressure and fear. Fear of failure. To the point when it no longer matters to my own self that I fail, but that if I fail, I would have wasted my mother's sacrifice.

Not to mention how she talked about how crucial these high school years are. Apparently, it'll determine whether I eat rice or congee in the future. That's exactly what she said. It's a really "Asian" sounding analogy, but it works. If I eat rice, I'm rich. If I eat congee, I'm poor. Which works. If I fail in high school, I will fail in secondary school, which means I'll fail to find a good career. How pleasant.

Wooow, I'm really scared now. If I fail, I'm basically dead.

I'm sounding really pessimistic. It could be worse. I could be a naked hobo sitting on the corner of Bloor and Bathurst. I could be a helpless alcoholic, having sex for a beer. I could be stranded in the middle of the Gobi Desert on the verge of dying from dehydration. Yep, it could be a lot worse.

xD I'm pretty morbid for a thirteen year old girl. Lighten up, Helen. Why so serious?

I think I've been living a lie.

Me, being the complete idiot I am, forgot Mother's Day. Wow.

I didn't even think about it until I saw Nommi's mood. I had thought that it was next week. At first I doubted. Thinking, Pfft, it's probably different in Australia. Then my brother checked the calendar and informed me that A)it was  in fact, Mother's Day and B) that we were screwed. By then, it was mid-afternoon.

When Eric and I were younger, we used to get up super early to prepare a breakfast for Mom. Or at least do some cleaning and make a card or something. (Well, it was mostly my doing, just saying. *shot*) I can't believe we forgot.

Ugh, I feel so guilty. Maybe we should make up for it. Yikes.

On the other side of the dice, I'm grateful that it's May. But the sooner it's over, the better. May is SUCH a long month. It feels extra long because it feels so pointless, especially this year. Next year, it's high school. We've already decided which schools to go to, received rejection and acceptance letters, and we're all gearing up for the final summer of our childhood. It's only two more months that seem to drag on and on and on...

I'm also completely broke. I think I got about 175$ for Chinese New Year, which was about three months ago. I blew it ALL off on nail polish, food, and a whole bunch of random shit that I really don't need. D: I need to learn how to spend properly. But it's HARD. Geez, it's not as easy as just saying it. I just have a weak will, I guess, when it comes to this kind of thing. CURSE YOU, STUFF! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ADDICTED TO BUYING YOU?

Sigh.

So yeah. As you may know, we went on our graduation trip to Quebec City last week. I'll upload pictures and rant about the experience soon. :/ I've got lots to say.

Oh, by the way. I found this awesome website today. It has a rain soundtrack. I could listen to it forever. Combining it with Dubstep is LETHALLY AMAZING. Check it out here. *3* This isn't advertisement. xD

So if you didn't know, today is (or was) Pink Day. The day where you're expected to wear pink to raise awareness for homophobic bullying.

Just so you know, I unfortunately couldn't wear pink. I know, I know. I'm horrible. D: The only pink thing I had was in my laundry. So I had to settle for one rainbow sock and one pink sock. Mismatched socks FTW. 8D

At our little pep rally thing, our vice-principal came out to us-- he's gay. He's even married and is expecting kids.

It was, like, at the mention of that, the entire gym of kids fell completely silent. Even the persistent whisperers.

I, myself, was pretty shocked as well. Don't get me wrong, I completely and utterly respect gays. But knowing that there was a person who's gay who's been there all along was surprising.

My Mom, however, was not as.. accepting. I mean, I knew already that she didn't like gays. She thought of them as "not right in the head." I remember when it was the mayoral elections last year and when I told her that one of the candidates were gay, she said "Oh, thank god he didn't win then."

"Eh, why?" I asked.

"Because. He totally has AIDs."

At the time, I was, like, SDFNKASDL-- WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING ON, WOMAN?

(Well, I still have that reaction whenever we discuss this kind of thing, but.. never mind.)

But seriously. The stereotypes people come up with, especially concerning homosexuals, are horrifying. Just because you're gay, it means you have AIDs? Where the hell did you come up with that? Or that just because you're lesbian, you have to dress like a guy? Or that if you're a bisexual, you'll sleep with anyone?

Losing hope in humanity. *sigh*

At first, I didn't understand LGBT either. But after reading a few books here and there, I began to think about it this way: If you're gay, you're a man who likes men. If you're lesbian, you're a woman who likes women. If you're bisexual, you like both women and men. If you're a transgender, you're someone who was "born into the wrong body." If you're straight, you like only the opposite gender. All of these things don't mean anything but one thing. We all deserve to love anyone we want and be loved by anyone who deserves our love.

LOL, that was deep. But seriously. Stop calling random things and other people "gay" in a negative way. (RHYYYMED.)